So here you are, up against a deadline. You are tapping away at your keyboard in your cubicle, or maybe you have the dreaded open office arrangement, where everyone just stares at one another like it is a giant fishbowl. In any case, you need to concentrate.
Two cubicles down, Jerry, who has never modulated his inside voice because he doesn’t have one, is discussing his fantasy football picks with Norm. Norm doesn’t know how to say “yes” or “no.” Norm is the type who will nod or shake his head to demonstrate his position while he clears his throat and grunts.
On the other side of you, Pam is cutting her fingernails, or perhaps her toenails. You can hear the clippings as they land on the faux plastic floor intended to give maximum roll-age of the desk chair, conceivably to allow quicker entry and exit of Pam’s desk area so that she can be the first one to get the cherished Boston cream donut on Fridays in the break room.
By the sounds of things, Pam hasn’t clipped for awhile. You begin to wonder if she has been growing them out for feral squirrel season in the meadow nearby, where she swoops down and grabs the unsuspecting critters with her gnarly talons that she is working down. Perhaps she is picking squirrel fur out of them or maybe she even speared one of them unintentionally.
- Might be time to consider that pedicure, just sayin’.
Yet even farther down, Greta, the office gossip is talking with Patrice about Deborah’s shitty kids. Deborah is out today because one of her shitty kids, SK, behaved shittily at school and is serving out their school suspension at home. Deborah apparently took the day off to punish SK by taking the door off of the hinges and hiding the cords from his video game console.
Meanwhile, in the cubicle behind you, Mark is texting on group chat with his friends about their camping trip this weekend. Mark’s buddies keep sending him raunchy jokes and porn, which, don’t these guys have jobs?…Even worse, his phone is on vibrate so every text comes in with a loud “ding!” every 30 seconds or so. You wish the ding would accompany a TKO of Mark in the boxing ring.
Slowly, you put your work down and you grab a giant stick. I do not know why you have a giant stick in your office, but that’s something that is your business. IN any case, you begin to use your letter opener to whittle the stick down in the shape of a spear. Homicidal thoughts enter your mind…
Ok, let’s stop there. If you get to that point, I would recommend updating the resumé and reading the job searching and interviewing entries on this blog. Therapy and anger management classes would also probably be beneficial.
However, we have all been there. Offices they say can be like family. Family can also be dysfunctional, annoying and disruptive to everything else in your life. So work can be like family!
So, hopefully you can tolerate your “family.” Workplaces are very dynamic if only because you may have 10 very different co-workers who in total have about 15 personalities…on a good day. Office staffs are fluid and turnover is rampant in some organizations / industries. Each office has its own individual cultural norms. Somehow, you have to figure out and adhere to those norms while at the same time not trying to disrupt the culture of the office. Because the reality is, you can’t change it. You’d have better luck trying to hit a 100 mph fastball for a home run with a fly swatter than you will changing office culture. If you do try to change it, the only thing that may change may in fact be the person who holds your position.
To be sure, there are still some norms that supercede office culture. There are some behaviors that are universal across all offices. However, that does not mean that everyone follows them. Here is some helpful office etiquette for those who are uninformed or that need confirmation that their anger is justified!
The mandibles of death! Oh Lord! Were you raised in a barn? Gum smacking. Is that you eating or is that a bulldog licking out a jar of peanut butter? Let’s just put a trough in the breakroom so you can eat there. Some things just are not meant to be heard.
Have you heard the latest? We all have, Karen. Every office has an office gossip. The office gossip not only will spread your deepest darkest secrets, but will also interupt you and the most inopportune times to divulge everyone else’s. As a general rule, don’t gossip, period at the office. Nothing good can ever come from it. And besides, we all gossip about what a gossip you are, so there’s that.
You don’t kiss your momma with that mouth? If you work in the following industries: construction, anything connected with the auto industry and computer programming, chances are F-Bombs fly routinely throughout the day. I have nothing against swearing, which you can probably tell if you have read my damn blog. However, in the industries mentioned, there is an epidemic of Tourette’s syndrome apparently as expletives routinely fly throughout the day. However, there are other people in the office, who may not be as accustomed to your colorful language as you are. Probably good to at least make the swearing PG-13 rated.** **If you live in New Jersey or Northern California, this doesn’t apply.
Who moved my toe cheese? Toe nail clippings. Shaving, hair grooming, nose picking, ear cleaning or scab-picking. And yes, cleaning out the toe cheese from between the toes. These are all things no one wants to see or hear when they pass by your office or next to you. Some things should remain private.
In my other life I was an interior decorator! Not a good idea to post the calendar with Miss April on it in the office. You could be fired for fostering a hostile work environment. So, there is that. Also, for the love of God, do not use your work phone or computer for the enjoyment of adult websites. First of all…WTF? If you are caught anyway, then you are now a pariah, a sexual deviant who probably should not be allowed within 100 feet of a school. Be gross in the privacy of your own home, please!
Two for me none for you. We already know that there is a special place in Hell for lunch thieves. What we may not have known is there is another special place, although probably not is hot for the mooch. The person who takes 3 donuts for themselves. The one who puts 4 cookies in her purse for her kids. The person who always helps themselves before everyone else has had a chance to sample some of that good office pot luck goodness!
Your next job should be a PA announcer…for tractor pulls. Some voices carry louder than others. It’s nice the guy who fills the sales guy for the largest material vendor comes in to suck up and try and get you to choose him for the next contact, but since he has a booming voice and everyone has heard his story 10 times already about the time he wrangled that herd of Bison in Yellowstone with his bare hands, probably best to take the meeting to a conference room and not your desk.
My life is richer because you are kind enough to share. The speaker phone is a wonder of the world, in a closed office, the bottom of a missile silo or in a locked bank vault. The cell phone is even more wonderous. Because, unlike analog phones, we do not hear our own voices in the receiver so we have a tendancy to talk louder. This is wonderful in an open office environment. Don’t take cell phone calls or use your speaker phone in an open office…or restaurant, or funeral service or anywhere where any other human can hear you. Also, put your phone on vibrate. Your ring tone sucks and so do you if you subject us all to it every day!
Finally, the perfect place to take a cell phone call in public.
These are just a few examples. Can you think of a few more? Feel free to add in the comments. There really is just one rule for office etiquette. The Golden Rule = “Don’t be an asshole!”
Co-workers too annoying? Learn some skills and find another place to work! Here is a good place to start: