Ah yes, the resumé. Let us begin our journey here.
The resumé is a long standing tradition, actually begun in Ancient Rome. That was when Cletus turned to Horace, and said “hold my beer and watch what I can do.” (citation needed)
Unfortunately, many folks when writing their resumé see it as a license to brag or even embellish their achievements. Others see it as a way to rattle on about every task they have ever been assigned as seen from this shitty resumé:
1984-1985 3rd Grade Executive Eraser Cleaner, Ms. Warwick’s Class – Cleaned erasers
Ok, I made that up. I have hired a lot. I have reviewed so many freaking resumés and so many of them have been, for lack of a better word, shitty. The sad part is that so many of the applicants have put forth hours of effort into trying to cram their entire professional career into a 1-2 page framework, or worst case into an 2000 page novel. I guess there is a good tip, don’t send a resumé that make Herman Melville envious. Then again, a 22 page resume may be preferable to reading a book about 19th Century whaling. For more on resumé length, click here.
The mentality of the resumé writer is what needs to change here. Like any good writer, you need to understand your audience. So who is your audience?
Your audience is most likely an overworked middle-manager who has put out an advertisement for an offer of people who may or may not be qualified for the position which he or she did not expect to have to hire for at this particular time. The hiring manager has 10-20 other pending tasks on his / her desk and does not want to have to spend a lot of time picking through resumés, interviewing (more to come), negotiating (we’re gonna talk about this) or training (we gotta discuss this) the person they ultimately hire. The hiring manager would rather be keeping up with the Kardashians and send memes from their phone than have to spend time hiring for a position.
Meanwhile, the applicant is looking for a job. In some cases any job. The applicant is in many times desperate. Looking to leave a bad situation or possibliy make a career change or a leap up. Many applicants apply for literally hundreds of positions using the time-honored tradition of throwing shit on the wall and seeing what sticks. I will discuss this as well, but I don’t recommend this approach! So we have an interesting dilemma, a hiring manager about to receive a boatload of resumés, let’s see what happens!
As the one screening these resumés, the manager doesn’t want to get in trouble. The manager wants to cover his/her ass and look as competant as can be to his/her managers. So on the first review of the resumés the manager is going to look for reasons why they don’t need to read the entire resumé. So what are some of the immediate disqualifiers when reviewing resumés? Glad you asked…
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- No cover letter (again, more on this later)
- Misspellinghs
- Multiple jobs with short durations. Either no one wants you or you can’t sit still long enough to make it through a commercial break. Red flag!
- Some managers consider long durations between jobs or a long time out of the workforce. I don’t, but I know of many who do. Obviously if you took time off to raise your kids or go back to school then anyone who uses this against you is an asshole.
- Bad grammar. MS Word has spell and grammar check. Bill Gates is throwing you a lifeline!
- Poor or inconsistent formatting. Pay attention to your bolding, underlines and italicizing. It’s not that I am paying that close of attention, but if I see a lot of inconsistencies, I will know that you don’t review your work.
- For God’s sake don’t use Comic Sans Sarif font. If you do, I will hunt you down and take you out of your misery myself. Use Arial font, or Times Roman and write a resumé like a goddam grown-up!
- Too long or too short. 1 page resumés are my favorite. Nice and easy to read. Be concise!
- Completely irrevelevant experience with no explanation. If you experience is in basket weaving but you are applying for a tractor driving job, state an objective and address your bi-polar career choices in a cover letter to put me at ease!
- Dictating to me the terms of your employment before we have even spoken! Yes I have received cover letters making schedule and benefit demands even before we have had a phone discussion. You’re not being assertive, you are actually setting yourself up for failure in a negotiation should you even make it that far. Most likely you won’t though.
Next we will address the different sections of the resumé and different approaches to take.
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